My Family Won’t Talk About It
You want to talk about what’s happening. Your family changes the subject, tells you not to think that way, or insists you’re going to beat this.
You don’t need everyone to be ready. You need one person who can hear it, and one thing that can’t wait.
Name the One Thing That Can’t Wait
Not the whole conversation. One thing.
It may be:
- who speaks for you if you can’t
- what you want and don’t want done
- something you want to say to someone
- something you want to give someone
- what you want after you die
- asking about hospice or palliative care
Start with the one that may become harder or impossible if nobody acts.
Ask One Person
Choose someone who can hear hard things without needing to fix them.
Say:
“I need to talk about what happens if I get worse. I’m not asking you to agree that it will. I just need one person who’ll listen.”
If nobody in the family can do it, ask the social worker, chaplain, or nurse.
Let the Care Team Say It
Sometimes a family can hear from a clinician what they can’t hear from you.
Ask:
“Can you explain to my family what’s happening and what you’re worried about?”
If the message is still not getting through, say:
“Please tell them plainly. They’re hearing the gentle version as good news.”
Don’t Try to Win the Conversation
You don’t need everyone to accept what’s happening before something useful gets done.
If someone says not to talk that way, ask for the one thing instead:
“You might be right. I still want this written down.”
A person who can’t talk about dying may still help complete a form, make a call, or drive you somewhere.
Getting the task done matters more than getting everyone to agree about why.
Write It Down
If nobody will have the conversation, write down:
- what matters most to you
- what you wouldn’t want
- who you want speaking for you if you can’t speak for yourself
- anything you want someone to know
Tell one person where it is.
If it needs to guide medical care, give a copy to the care team and ask for it to be put in the chart.
Writing it down helps people know what you want, but some medical decisions require a specific form or medical order.
If you want to formally name a health care decision-maker, use I Need Advance Directive Forms →
If family members are asking the medical team to keep information from you, use My Family Is Deciding What I Get to Know →
If You’re the Family Member Watching This Happen
If you aren’t the person who’s sick, start with what you’ve seen rather than what you think it means.
Say:
“He’s stopped eating and he’s sleeping most of the day. Can we ask the care team what that means?”
Ask the care team to explain the situation directly.
If you think the person may be dying and nobody is saying so, use I Think Someone May Be Dying →
If you need help talking through what someone wants, use I Need to Talk With Them About What They Want →
If Nobody Comes Around
Some families never get there. You don’t have to wait for them.
You can still complete the decisions, documents, and conversations that don’t require everyone else to agree.
Before You Stop
Know:
- the one thing that can’t wait
- who can hear you
- whether the care team needs to help say it plainly
- what needs to be written down
- whether anything should be put in the medical record
- what you can still do without everyone agreeing
Learn More
Questions and prompts for starting a conversation about what matters and what you would want if your health changes.
