I Am Afraid of the Person I Am Caring For
Illness, dementia, brain injury, medication effects, pain, fear, or confusion may help explain threatening, aggressive, sexually inappropriate, or destructive behavior.
They don’t make it safe.
The first job is to get everyone out of immediate danger. The caregiving problem comes next.
Get Everyone Safe
If someone may be seriously hurt, call 911.
Call if the person:
- has a weapon or is trying to get one
- is hurting someone or threatening serious harm
- is stopping someone from leaving
- is driving dangerously with someone else in the vehicle
- is setting fires or creating another immediate danger
- can’t be calmed and someone may be seriously injured
Leave when you safely can. Take children, other vulnerable people, and pets when possible.
Don’t delay leaving to collect medication, paperwork, equipment, or belongings.
If telling the person you’re leaving could make things more dangerous, leave without arguing or explaining first.
Don’t try to take away a weapon, physically restrain the person, block their path, or argue them into calming down if doing so could put you in more danger.
If firearms are present, tell the dispatcher or emergency responders before they arrive if you can do so safely. Don’t try to remove or secure a firearm yourself if doing so could put you in danger.
If you’re a family member or other unpaid caregiver, you don’t have to stay in danger because the person is sick, depends on you, or can’t safely be left alone.
If the person can’t safely be left alone, tell the dispatcher:
“I need to leave because I’m afraid someone will be hurt. The person I care for can’t safely be left alone.”
That’s part of the emergency too.
If the person becomes calm before help arrives, tell responders what happened anyway.
If You’re a Paid Caregiver
If you’re providing care as part of your job, follow your employer’s emergency and safety procedures while getting yourself and others out of immediate danger.
Call the Right Help
Mental health or emotional crisis without immediate physical danger. Call or text 988. You can call because you’re worried about someone else.
A partner or family member is hurting or threatening you. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or use its live chat ↗.
If leaving safely is hard because you have nowhere to go, no transportation, no money, or no one else to take over the care, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you make a safety plan.
If another person may check your phone, texts, call log, or browser history, use a different device if you can do so safely.
Say Clearly When You Can’t Keep Providing the Care
Once everyone is safe, tell the medical, hospice, crisis, or care team exactly what happened.
Don’t soften it to:
“I’m having a hard time.”
Say:
“I’m afraid of the person I’m caring for. I can’t safely manage this alone.”
If the person also can’t safely be left alone, say both:
“I can’t safely keep providing this care, and this person can’t safely be left alone. What happens next?”
There may not be someone who can simply come take over. Ask what’s actually available now: an urgent visit, medication review, crisis evaluation, temporary backup care, or another setting if the current plan is no longer safe.
If hospice is involved, ask what level of support the person qualifies for now. Don’t assume respite or continuous care is available just because the situation is difficult. Ask whether the change in symptoms calls for continuous home care (extra hospice nursing and support at home during a qualifying crisis) or general inpatient care (short-term inpatient hospice care for symptoms that can’t be managed where the person is living).
If the behavior is new or worsening, tell the medical or hospice team what changed and when.
“This behavior is new. What medical causes need to be checked?”
Before the Call Ends
Ask:
“What should I do if this happens again tonight?”
Confirm:
- who you should call after hours
- who will provide care if you can’t
- what happens if that help isn’t available
Don’t accept a referral as the whole plan. Find out who’s actually doing the next thing.
If no safe backup can be arranged and you can’t stay safely, say that directly.
If someone else may step in, tell them what happened and what the risks are first.
Write down what happened, when, and who you told.
If This Could Happen Again
Know where you can go, who you can call, and who can take children, pets, or another dependent person.
Keep a charged phone with you when you can.
If firearms are part of the ongoing safety problem, use I’m Worried About Firearms in the Home →
If the person receiving care is afraid of the person caring for them, use I Am Afraid of the Person Caring for Me →
If agitation, refusal of care, or other dementia-related behaviors are becoming hard to manage without reaching this level, use I Need Help With Difficult Dementia Behaviors →
Illness may explain the behavior. It doesn’t require you to stay in danger.
Learn More
Practical guidance for caregivers dealing with threatening, aggressive, or abusive behavior from the person they care for.