I Am Afraid of the Person Caring for Me

Ask to Be Seen Alone

At an appointment, tell any staff member:

“I need a few minutes with the doctor or nurse by myself.”

You don’t have to explain why.

If the person caring for you insists on staying, tell the nurse when you have a moment alone, hand staff a note, or call before the appointment and say:

“When I come in, please find a reason to take me back by myself.”

Once You’re Alone

Plain and short is enough.

You can say:

“I’m not safe with the person who cares for me.”

“They’ve hurt me.”

“They take my money.”

“They leave me without help on purpose.”

Before you say more, you can ask:

“If I tell you this, what are you required to report?”

Reporting rules vary by state and by the situation.

Ask staff to document what you tell them in your medical record.

Who to Call

For Adult Protective Services, use the Adult Protective Services finder ↗ to find the reporting contact for your state.

If the person hurting or frightening you is a partner or family member, you can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or use live chat ↗.

If the person works for a home care agency, and it’s safe to do so, call the agency, ask for a supervisor, and ask for a different caregiver.

If you live in a nursing home, assisted living, or another long-term-care setting, ask for the Long-Term Care Ombudsman through the Eldercare Locator ↗.

If You Don’t Want Them in Trouble

Say that too.

Adult Protective Services can assess what’s happening and talk with you about options. What they can do, and what happens after a report, varies by state.

Ask:

“I want help, but I’m worried about what will happen if I report this. What are my choices?”

“What happens if I say no to some of the help that’s offered?”

If you can make your own decisions, tell the person helping you what you do and don’t want.

If They Control Your Medication, Money, Phone, or Basic Care

Tell a clinician or social worker exactly what’s happening.

That may include:

• medication being withheld, given incorrectly, or taken by someone else
• money missing or pressure to sign something
• your phone, transportation, or access to other people being controlled
• food, bathing, changing, or help getting to the bathroom being withheld
• being threatened, frightened, or told nobody will believe you

If money or identity theft is involved, use I Think Someone Is Being Scammed or Their Identity Has Been Stolen →

If You Can’t Leave

Leaving may not be possible, and it may not be what you want.

If you can’t get to an appointment or leave the home safely, use a phone or device you can access privately to contact someone outside the home.

Ask what support can be added around you instead.

That may include:

• another caregiver for part of the week
• home health or hospice visits, if appropriate
• regular visits or calls from someone outside the home
• a social worker
• a trusted neighbor, friend, faith-community member, or volunteer who checks in regularly

Tell at least one person outside the home what’s happening.

You can also agree on a word or phrase that means:

“I need you to check on me or get help.”

You don’t need an appointment or anyone’s permission to ask for help.

If You Already Told Someone and Nothing Happened

Tell someone else.

You can say:

“I already told someone I don’t feel safe, and nothing changed. I still need help.”

Ask for another clinician, social worker, supervisor, patient advocate, or another person outside the home who can help you make the next call.

If a report was supposed to be made, ask:

“Was a report made? Who was it made to, and what should I do if I don’t hear from anyone?”

If it’s safe, write down who you told, when you told them, and what happened next.

One person failing to act doesn’t mean you have to stop asking for help.

Use the Private Moment You Have

If you may not get another private moment soon:

• tell someone you don’t feel safe
• ask what they’re required to report
• ask who you can contact directly
• write down or memorize one number you can use safely
• agree on a word or phrase that means you need help

Don’t leave notes, numbers, or messages where the person you’re afraid of may find them.

Ask to be seen alone. Tell someone you don’t feel safe.