I Want to Make Sure My Wishes Are Followed

Choose Who Speaks for You

Choose someone who can say what you’d want, even when other people disagree.

That may not be the oldest or the one who lives closest. It doesn’t have to be family. A friend or neighbor you trust can do it.

Naming someone to speak for you later doesn’t take away your right to make your own decisions while you can still make them.

If you don’t name someone, state law decides who may speak for you. That may not be the person you would choose.

If the person you choose isn’t your spouse or another relative the law would normally recognize, don’t assume they can speak for you unless you name them in writing.

See I Am Not Legal Family →

Name a backup too, in case the first person can’t do it.

In many states, there are limits on naming your own health care provider or someone who works where you receive care. Ask what applies where you are.

Ask your doctor’s office, hospital social worker, or other care team member:

“What do I need to complete so this person can speak for me if I can’t?”

If you don’t have anyone to name, use I Don’t Have Anyone to Speak for Me →

Tell Them What You Want

Tell them what matters most, what you’d want if the choices get harder, and what you wouldn’t want.

Then ask:

“If I can’t speak for myself, I need you to say what I’d say, even if someone in the family disagrees. Can you do that?”

If the conversation is difficult, ask a social worker, chaplain, or clinician to help.

If your family won’t talk about what’s happening, see My Family Won’t Talk About It →

Who Would Take Care of You

Speaking for you and taking care of you are different jobs.

If you would need help at home, talk with the people you expect to provide it.

Ask what they could realistically do, and for how long.

Think about what should happen if they can’t keep going or if home is no longer workable.

Wanting to help and being able to aren’t the same thing.

What they can realistically provide may affect which treatments you choose, what would be too much, or where you would want to be cared for.

Put It on Paper

Once you know who and what, get it in writing.

Use I Need Advance Directive Forms → to find the right documents for your state and make sure the people who need them can find them.

If You Want to Be an Organ or Tissue Donor

Register through your state’s donor registry. You can usually do it online or when you get or renew a driver’s license or ID.

Tell your family and your health care agent so they know your decision and aren’t surprised if donation becomes possible.

A serious illness doesn’t always rule out donation. Eye and tissue donation may still be possible.

If Something Changes

While you can still make your own decisions, you can change your wishes or the person you want speaking for you.

Tell the care team and the person who speaks for you, so they know the current answer. Update or replace the documents too.

If your wishes are written down but aren’t being followed, use I Need Help When an Advance Directive Isn’t Being Followed →

Revisit your choices whenever your health, relationships, or wishes change, and make sure the people involved have the current version.

Who Can Help

• Your doctor or care team: to document your wishes and answer questions about medical decisions
• A hospital or hospice social worker: for help with family conversations, disagreements, or figuring out who can speak for you
• A chaplain: to talk through what matters most
• An elder law attorney: if your situation is complicated, family conflict is likely, or you have questions about who can legally act for you

To find legal help, including free or low-cost options, see I Need Legal Help →