I Want This to Be Over
Someone who’s very sick may say, “I want this to be over,” “I’m ready to die,” or “I can’t do this anymore.”
Don’t assume you know what they mean. Ask.
If You Mean This About Yourself
If you mean this about yourself, say exactly that to someone who can help.
What you mean matters. You may mean:
- your pain or other symptoms need better treatment
- you don’t want another hospitalization, procedure, or treatment
- you’re exhausted by what the illness or care requires
- you want hospice or comfort-focused care
- you’re thinking about causing your own death
If you may hurt yourself or do something to make yourself die, call or text 988. If there’s immediate danger, call 911.
If what you mean is:
- Pain or other symptoms aren’t controlled: tell your current care team or call the hospice 24-hour number.
- You don’t want more treatment or hospitalization: ask your clinician for a goals-of-care discussion.
- You’re exhausted by what the illness or care requires: tell the care team directly and ask what can be changed.
- You want comfort-focused care: ask about palliative care or hospice.
You don’t need to know the name of the right service. Tell someone what you want to stop, what you want help with, or what you’re afraid will happen.
If Someone You Care About Said This
Say:
“When you say you want this to be over, what do you mean?”
They may be overwhelmed by symptoms, exhausted, thinking about stopping treatment, asking for comfort-focused care, or thinking about causing their own death. Those need different kinds of help.
If the Suffering Is Too Much
Ask what’s hardest right now.
Pain, shortness of breath, nausea, anxiety, confusion, sleeplessness, constipation, fear, or loss of control can make someone feel they can’t keep going.
Call the current care team and say:
“They’re saying they want this to be over. I need help figuring out what isn’t being controlled.”
If the person is on hospice, call the hospice 24-hour number.
If the care team doesn’t respond, use the after-hours or on-call number and ask when someone will call back.
If that time passes, call again. If hospice is involved, ask for the nurse on call or clinical supervisor. If another service is involved, ask whether there’s a covering clinician or supervisor who can respond now.
If pain isn’t controlled, use The Pain Isn’t Being Controlled →
If They Don’t Want More Treatment
Tell the clinician what the person is saying.
Ask:
“They’re saying they don’t want to keep doing this. What can they choose to stop, and what would happen if they did?”
Then ask:
“What would comfort-focused care look like instead?”
A decision to stop or decline treatment doesn’t mean stopping all care.
For help weighing treatment, use I Don’t Want the Care They’re Recommending →
If They’re Talking About Not Eating or Drinking
Eating and drinking less can happen naturally as someone approaches death.
A person deliberately choosing not to eat or drink is a different situation.
Ask the care team:
“Are they eating and drinking less because of the illness and dying process, or are they choosing to stop?”
Ask what to expect and how comfort will be managed.
If They May Be Thinking About Suicide
Ask directly:
“Are you thinking about killing yourself or doing something to make yourself die?”
You don’t have to decide whether they’re “really suicidal.” Take the answer seriously.
If they say yes, tell you they may act soon, or you’re worried they may not stay safe, stay with them if you safely can and call or text 988. If there’s immediate danger, call 911.
If medications could be used to cause harm, ask 988, the care team, or another clinician how to make them less accessible safely.
If firearms are present and you’re worried the person may hurt themselves or someone else, don’t try to take or move a firearm yourself if doing so could put you in danger.
If you may be in danger, get to a safer place and tell 988 or 911 that the person has access to a firearm. If it’s safe for you to stay, stay nearby while you get help.
Use I’m Worried About Firearms in the Home →
If they have hospice services, call the hospice 24-hour number too.
If you’re uncertain what they meant, contact the care team or 988 and describe exactly what the person said.
If They Ask About Medical Aid in Dying
Don’t assume that saying “I want to die” means the person is asking about medical aid in dying.
If they specifically ask whether it’s legally available, ask their physician or palliative-care team what applies where they live.
The law and eligibility requirements vary by jurisdiction.
Information and support about end-of-life options, including medical aid in dying where legally available.
Before You Decide What This Means
Know:
- what the person meant
- whether symptoms need attention now
- whether they want to discuss changing or stopping treatment
- whether there’s concern about suicide
- who’s taking the next step
Learn More
Resources about hospice, palliative care, caregiving, and choices during serious illness.
