What Do I Tell the Kids?
You’re trying to decide what to say, how much to say, and whether they should see the person who’s sick or dying.
Children usually know something is wrong. Tell them enough truth that they don’t have to invent the rest.
If your child is the one who’s seriously ill, see My Child May Need Hospice or Palliative Care →
Tell Them Plainly
Use words they can understand. Say dying and died when those are the facts.
For younger children, it can help to explain that when someone dies, their body stops working and they don’t breathe, eat, talk, or feel pain anymore.
Tell them before they have to piece it together from overheard conversations or sudden changes around them.
Say what’s happening, that they didn’t cause it, and who will take care of them.
“Grandpa is very sick. The doctors can’t make him better. He is going to die. Nothing you did caused this, and I’m going to be here with you.”
Then stop.
Let them ask what they want to know, and answer a little at a time.
Answer What They Actually Ask
Children may ask:
- Is it catching?
- Did I do something?
- Are you going to die too?
- Who will take me to school?
- Can I still go to my game?
Answer plainly.
Questions about school, rides, meals, or games are often questions about whether their life is still safe and predictable.
If you don’t know, say:
“I don’t know yet. I’ll tell you when I know.”
Then come back to it.
Adjust for Their Age
Children understand death differently depending on their age and development. These are common patterns, not rules.
Ask what they think is happening before you correct anything. Their answer tells you what they understand and what needs explaining.
- Under 5: may not understand that death is permanent and may keep asking when the person is coming back. Answer again without treating the repetition as a problem.
- 5 to 9: may wonder whether something they did, said, or thought caused the illness or death. Say clearly that it didn’t.
- 10 to 12: usually understand that death is permanent but may become quiet, worry about the adults, or take on responsibilities that aren’t theirs.
- Teenagers: may turn to friends, pull away, seem unaffected, or become angry. Keep offering conversation without forcing it.
Children often move in and out of grief. Crying one minute and playing the next doesn’t mean they don’t understand or care.
If They Want to Visit
Let the child choose when possible, after you explain what they may see and hear.
Before they enter the room, tell them what they may see or hear: oxygen, tubes, a hospital bed, changes in appearance or breathing, and whether the person can talk back.
Tell them:
“You can stay as long as you want, and you can leave whenever you want.”
Have an adult available whose job is to leave with the child if they want to go, ideally someone other than the person closest to the bedside.
If they say no, don’t force the visit.
They can draw something, send a message, make a recording, call, or choose another way to be involved.
If they want to see the person after death, explain beforehand that the person won’t respond and that their body may look or feel different.
Keep Some Things Ordinary
When possible, keep familiar parts of the day: school, meals, activities, bedtime, and the people who usually care for them.
Tell the school or teacher what’s happening if that would help. Ask whether the school counselor can check in.
Routine tells a child that not everything has changed at once.
If You’re Worried About How They’re Coping
Talk with the child’s pediatrician, school counselor, or a mental-health professional if changes are severe, persist, or interfere with daily life.
Pay particular attention to:
- ongoing withdrawal from people or activities
- major changes in sleep or eating
- persistent school problems
- intense aggression or fear
- repeated statements about wanting to die or join the person who died
If a child talks about wanting to die, hurt themselves, or join the person who died, take it seriously and ask directly what they mean.
Ask:
“Are you thinking about killing yourself or hurting yourself?”
Call or text 988 for crisis support. If there’s immediate danger, call 911.
If hospice is involved, ask whether it offers grief support for children or can connect you with someone who does.
When You’re Grieving Too
You don’t have to hide every tear.
You can say:
“I’m crying because I’m sad. You didn’t cause this, and you don’t have to take care of me.”
Let children see grief. Don’t give them responsibility for carrying yours.
Tell them the name of another adult they can talk to.
Before You Stop
Make sure the child knows:
- what’s happening
- that they didn’t cause it
- who will take care of them
- that they can keep asking questions
- who else they can talk to
If you’re a parent who’s seriously ill and haven’t written down who you’d want to raise your children, see I Need Legal Help →
Tell them today, and expect to tell them again. Children come back to it later with different questions.
Helpful Resources
Practical guidance for children, teens, and caregivers before and after a death, including resources for advanced serious illness.
Search for grief programs, camps, and counseling for children and teens near you.
Learn More
Videos, stories, and activities for helping younger children and families talk about death and grief.
