I Need Help Caring for Someone

Ask Someone Already Involved

Start with the doctor, nurse, hospice team, home-health team, therapist, social worker, or care manager already involved.

Say:

“I can’t safely manage [task] anymore. What help can address this, and what should we do until that help begins?”

Ask who provides it, when it starts, and what the family will still have to do.

If no one is involved yet, start with the doctor or clinic that knows the person best. Describe the task that’s no longer manageable and ask what home-based help, assessment, or care coordination may be available.

If dementia-related agitation, refusal of care, or other difficult behaviors are the problem, see I Need Help With Difficult Dementia Behaviors →

Don’t accept a referral as the whole plan. Ask who’s doing the next thing and when.

Know What the Service Will Do

Home care may help with bathing, dressing, toileting, meals, supervision, and other daily tasks.

Home health provides intermittent skilled nursing or therapy when someone qualifies. It doesn’t provide continuous daily caregiving.

Hospice provides end-of-life care when someone qualifies. Routine hospice care includes scheduled visits and 24-hour access to the hospice team. It doesn’t mean someone stays at the bedside continuously.

Respite is temporary relief so the caregiver can step away.

Before relying on any service, ask:

“Exactly what will you do, how often will someone be here, and what will we still have to provide?”

For paid care, also ask what happens if the scheduled worker can’t come.

If Lifting or Transfers Are Unsafe

Don’t keep moving someone in a way that’s hurting or endangering either person.

Say:

“I can’t safely move this person by myself anymore. What’s the safe plan for the next transfer?”

Ask whether a physical or occupational therapist can watch the transfer where care happens, teach a safer technique, and say whether equipment or two people are needed.

Protecting the caregiver from injury is part of protecting the person receiving care.

See I Need Medical Equipment or Supplies → if equipment may help.

Build the Plan Around the Hours That Need Covering

Start with the hours, not the service. “Someone needs to be here from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m.” gets a different answer than “we need more help.”

Those hours may be covered by more than one source: an aide for part of them, a family member for another part, an adult day program, or a change in how a task is done so it doesn’t need two people.

Count only the hours when someone is actually there and able to help.

If you don’t yet know how much time alone is safe, see Can This Person Be Left Alone? →

If you need someone to take over for a defined period so you can rest or be away, see I Need a Break from Caregiving →

If Medications Are the Problem

Tell the prescriber, nurse, pharmacist, or hospice team what’s going wrong: too many doses, trouble remembering, refills, swallowing, or uncertainty about what to give and when.

“I can’t reliably manage this medication schedule anymore. What needs to change so it can be done safely?”

Don’t change, combine, or stop medications on your own.

If the Usual Caregiver Is Suddenly Gone

If the person who provided care has died, is in the hospital, or suddenly can’t continue, start with tonight.

“The person who was providing care can’t anymore. Someone needs care starting today. What can happen right now?”

Ask the doctor, hospice, or home-health team if one is involved.

If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.

If there’s no immediate danger but you need help finding local care or caregiver support, contact the Area Agency on Aging through Eldercare Locator ↗.

If essential care isn’t being provided and the person may be unsafe because of neglect or self-neglect, contact Adult Protective Services. Find your state’s reporting number through the Adult Protective Services finder ↗.

If Help Hasn’t Started Yet

A referral, assessment, waiting list, or promise of help doesn’t solve tonight’s problem.

Say:

“We can’t safely continue this until the regular help starts. What’s the temporary plan?”

That may mean another person taking a shift, changing how a task is done, using equipment, short-term respite, or temporary added services.

If the Answer Keeps Being No

If the referral goes nowhere, the waiting list doesn’t move, or the hours cost more than you have, say that to whoever is coordinating care.

“I’ve asked, and there’s nothing available we can afford. What happens now?”

Ask about Area Agency on Aging programs and where to check whether the person may qualify for Medicaid home- and community-based services.

If paid help costs more than you have and Medicaid isn’t an option, say so plainly.

That’s also the moment to ask what changes if the care can’t be provided at home. Not later, when someone gets hurt.

If caregiving is affecting your job, see Caregiving Is Affecting My Job →

If Home Requires More Help Than You Can Get

The plan may need to change when essential care is being missed, the person can’t safely be left alone, the caregiver is becoming ill or too exhausted to continue safely, or the hours or skill needed can’t be arranged.

“This is how much care is needed now. We can’t provide that amount at home. What’s the next workable plan?”

If the care requires more people, hours, or skill than can be arranged, name that gap instead of pretending the plan covers it.

The question isn’t whether you should be able to keep doing this. The question is whether the care that’s now needed can actually be provided.

If home may no longer be workable:

I Need Help Finding a Care Facility →